Contemporaneous: Chapter 20
20. I wake in the morning, grab my phone from my bedside drawer to check the time, and instead find a message from Lana: I just want to say that as somebody who cares for you and loves you, it hurts me whenever you make me feel unwanted, like I’m a burden in your life. It feels like I always have to scrap for your time, and when I’m with you, you’re neither verbally or physically affectionate. We’re more like friends to you it seems. I don’t know why or how it became like this but it’s grown progressively worse over the last year. I regularly wonder where I place…
31
I wake to the sound of a moan by my left ear. It’s the usual night-time shtick; I was sinking into a half-sleep, accompanied by the sounds of tinnitus and the CPAP machine hissing when this roused me. This happens so often it’s become the norm. It used to scare me, until I started dismissing the experiences as hypnagogic hallucinations – there: classifiable, safe, and unimportant. But some of them shake me – like this one. And the reason is it sounds so much like something occupying physical space in my everyday world, rather than some projection of an overactive subconscious kicking it up as my logical mind tries to…